“I Just Can’t Talk to Him!”
Jun 18, 2025
Is there someone you wish you could talk to—like really talk to—but every time you try, it feels like walking barefoot on Legos?
Maybe you’ve thought:
- “We’ve tried. It always ends in a blow-up.”
- “They just won’t listen to reason!”
- “They’re so closed-minded.”
- “They treat me like I’m clueless.”
- “It’s like talking to a brick wall.”
If any of these ring true, you’re not alone. Most of us have at least one person in our life who’s incredibly hard to talk to—especially when stakes are high or views clash. But before you throw your hands up or dramatically declare a vow of silence, try this:
Pause. Breathe. Then Get Curious.
Ask yourself a few honest (and slightly uncomfortable) questions:
- Am I really willing to listen?
- Can I open my mind—even temporarily—and set aside my need to be right?
- Do I genuinely respect this person, even if we disagree?
- Do I have an agenda (even a sneaky one)?
If your answers feel a little “iffy,” it’s okay. The key is awareness. The moment you notice you’re walking into a conversation with armor on, you get to choose: drop the shield, or maybe postpone the dialogue until you can.
What’s Your Why?
Before you initiate the conversation, get clear about your purpose. Ask yourself:
- Why do I want to engage with this person?
- What am I hoping to achieve?
- Is the frame for this conversation one the other person will actually care about?
The answers matter. A lot.
If Your Goal Is… “To Help Them Finally See the Light (i.e., agree with me)”
Abort mission.
Seriously. If your real aim is to win, convince, or convert, the conversation is over before it begins. Save your breath and your blood pressure.
If Your Goal Is… “To Understand Their Perspective”
Great! Now we’re getting somewhere.
Start with you. Are you truly curious—or just gathering ammunition for a future rebuttal? If your curiosity is genuine, you're ready for a conversation worth having—one that opens minds instead of locking horns.
Try this: Mentally hang your own viewpoint on a coat hook before you walk into the conversation. You can pick it up again on your way out.
Then, start with their story. Here are some conversation-openers that invite depth:
- What gets you up in the morning?
- What brings you joy?
- What’s most important to you in life?
- Tell me about someone who’s deeply influenced your worldview.
- How do you stay connected to your community?
- What keeps you up at night?
- What gives your life meaning?
- What are your highest hopes for your family, community, or country?
- What do you think would help unite us right now?
Each of these questions can spark dialogue that leads to insight—not necessarily agreement but definitely understanding. And that’s progress.
Pro Tip: Listen with your whole self. Mind, heart, and will. Walk away with greater clarity about who they are—even if you still wildly disagree about pineapple on pizza or national policy.
If Your Goal Is… “To Work Together on a Complex Issue”
Now we’re talking next-level. These are the conversations that shape our communities and futures. But they require a high tolerance for ambiguity and a good relationship with the phrase, “It depends.”
First, ask yourself:
- Am I attached to a single “right answer”?
- Do I understand the issue well enough to spot interconnections and unintended consequences?
Then, start the conversation by acknowledging that it’s complex. Because it is. (If it weren’t, we’d have solved it by now.) Use questions to explore together:
- What are the negative outcomes we’re seeing?
- Are there any unexpected benefits?
- How does this issue affect health and wellbeing?
- What’s the financial impact? Who gains, who loses?
- If we change this, what might happen to that?
- How can we find solutions that maximize benefit and minimize harm?
- How does this relate to the values we say we stand for?
- What’s keeping us stuck?
- What might real, inclusive solutions look like?
When someone offers a “simple” fix, don’t shut them down—get curious. Ask:
“How might that affect [our economy / housing / schools / local businesses / insert relevant system here]?”
No, the two of you won’t solve climate change, education reform, or healthcare in one conversation. But you will deepen understanding. And that’s the first step toward real, collective action.
Final Thought
The goal isn’t to change each other’s minds. The goal is to open hearts, widen perspectives, and make it a little harder to stand on opposite sides without seeing the human across from you.
So the next time you think, “I just can’t talk to him,” ask yourself:
“What conversation is actually worth having—and who do I need to be to have it?”
Then take a breath, grab your curiosity, and start.
Even the toughest conversations can be worth having—especially if you leave your ego at the door and bring snacks (highly recommended).
